One week from today I will be 22. I can't really believe that just yet, but I guess I still have 7 days to process.
This semester is crazy. From taking 20 credit hours, working at the lab, prepping for the MCAT, starting my Honor's Thesis and working a weekly 12 hour over night shift at a hospital, I basically have no time. The endless hours of studying and chronic sleep deprivation that this past month has brought me have left me feeling burnt out and feeling very disconnected with my friends and family. I've been grouchy. I've been moody. I've almost eaten an entire box of ice cream bars in one week by myself (yeah, they're WW bars but still, points are points people!). But mostly, I have been so completely and whole-heartedly focused on myself. Which is not good. Not to mention ironic, since the whole reason I'm going to school is to pursue a career helping other people. Amidst the late nights, early mornings and multiple cups of Dunkin Doughnuts Coffee (my new fave) the sane, normal side of me has been quietly praying for something, anything to wake me up from this funk. I needed something to remind me that everything going on in my life right now is going on because I put it there. And that maybe, it might not be just as bad as I make it out to be. Maybe. Because the reality is I am where I am at right now because of choices I made. I clicked enroll on all 20 of those credit hours. I applied and got the internship at a hospital. I told by boss 20 hours a week was no problem. I decided to take the MCAT in April. And I am the one who wants me to go to medical school. No other outside, uncontrollable force is pushing all of this on me. Just me. So, today God answered my prayers, even when not all of me knew I was praying to begin with. He reminded me that people everywhere are dealing with real problems. Painful, scary, heart-breaking problems beyond anyone's control but His. Problems bigger than the MCAT. And sleep deprivation. And honors theses. I wish after almost 22 years on this planet I remembered this more often.
God's wake up call came in the form of one very brave little girl. I've been following Kate's story for some time now. Yesterday, after months of improvement and good news, Kate and her family found out that her brain cancer is back.
What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a greater purpose
I should be living right now
Outside my own little world
Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors and put
Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me
-Matthew West
Thank you for 22 healthy years. Thank you for the wake up calls. Thank you for being bigger than the MCAT and cancer and life. Thank you for being bigger.
