Punching in a Dream

It was very familiar with the conversation. The bits of dialogue I overheard, as I was opening my pharmacology book, were scattered with words and phrases I had said myself. Multiple times.

The coffee shop was packed and I had found a table in the very back, sandwiched between a random pillar and the wall, but directly in earshot of a pre-medical student mid-conversation with her mentoring physician.

"Decision letters come out after January."

"...not really sure I could see myself living there."

"I think the interview went well."

"If only my MCAT was one point higher." 

"I just need to get in. Somewhere."

It was surreal. There I was sitting next to a past version of myself. Of all the cafes in Pittsburgh, and of all the tables in that one particular cafe, there she was. The pre-med me. Excitedly and carefully trying to catch the advice of every shape and size this doctor was throwing  at her, like I had done so many times before.

In case you're wondering what those conversations are like, let me fill you in. First of all, as a pre-med student, any interaction you get with a doctor is basically a gift from above. Seriously. Whether it's in an operating room, their private practice, or sharing a beer in Honduras; ANY and ALL forms of contact are cherished. Because they're who "we" (the ever-hopeful, slightly neurotic wanna-be-docs) want to be. So, as you can imagine, those conversations have an agenda. And it goes like this:

1. Prove to them you're not an idiot.
2. Continue to reinforce number one throughout the present interaction and into the infinite future.
3. Ask them all those questions you came up with the night before when you were looking up their medical practice/career history/specialty/sub-specialty/alma mater/dog's name.
4. Impress them so much they invite you to shadow them (THIS is key. It's like the pre-jack pot.)
5. Continue to build bridges and establish a relationship with them so they will one day be able to write you a kick ass letter of recommendation for medical school. (Letters of recommendation ARE the jack pot. They pretty much make the med school application process go round. Well, letters and money.)

Right around the time the doctor (a dermatologist) began telling this girl to take art history classes because it helped her tremendously in identifying patterns in skin rashes (side note: some doctors are full of crap. Also, skin is gross), I put in my earphones so I could study. 

Later I joked that I should have walked over to that girl her and told her exactly what med school was really like and that she could just ignore everything Skin-Doc-Barbie was saying. And driving back home, I thought about what I would have said to her. Which got me thinking about what I would have said to me. The pre-med me. The me who was so focused, and driven and absolutely dead set on medical school that I couldn't even see a future beyond getting accepted. And I think it would have gone something like this.

Listen, I'm only a semester and some change into this mess so I still have quite a way to go, but I love it. Truly I do. But it's hard. Mostly in the ways I had imagined (the lack of sleep, an intense course load, caffeine shakes). But also for some other reasons. Some I didn't think about, or if I did, I didn't think they'd matter to me. First off, it can be lonely. (And I'm really lucky. I've got a lot of fantastic people around, like, all the time). But there is something inherently lonesome about being this busy and this focused. I'm not sure what it is, but sometimes, even when you have no good reason to feel lonely, you do. Second, it's hard watching your friends' lives unfold before you on Instagram and Facebook. To see that they have families and babies and schedules that don't revolve around the next exam, can make you start to doubt yourself and the choices you've made. It's easy to fall into the "I haven't done anything with my life" trap because on the surface, my life looks about the same as it did 5 years ago. I am a student. Still. Granted, I am a student learning how to perform my dream job, and most days I think that is absolutely the bee's knees. But there are times when that doesn't make coming home to your cat after a 14 hour study day any easier. 

I could go on about a lot of other things. About the cost effectiveness of buying certain things in bulk (i.e. yellow highlighters, Monster Energy drinks, dry shampoo). About how important it is to schedule time to talk to friends and family from home. But I think if I could tell pre-med coffee shop girl, and the pre-med me, anything it would be this: that I hope she gets "in." I hope she gets to experience the absolute, and utter insanity that is learning how to become a doctor. I hope that she finds friends at school who are amazing and funny and kind. I hope that she learns to trust in her "plan," and not compare her life to anyone else's. I hope that the very first time a faculty clinician speaks to her as if she has absolutely no business being in medical school, she is able to redirect that criticism to her brain and let it skip her heart. Finally, and most importantly, I'd tell her this: about two weeks ago, when I was having a particularly low moment, I had the realization that the only way life could get any more stressful, any more full of crap, or any more intolerable was if I was not exactly where I was at that moment (which was at my desk studying biochemistry, next to my sleeping cat, at 2:30 am). Because that would mean that I wasn't in medical school. And even amidst the chaos and sleep deprivation, there is still no place I'd rather be, and nothing else I'd rather be doing. 

Nightminds

Hello. My name is Morgan, and I'm a Pandora-holic. :-) I absolutely LOVE this website/radio station. I love that it lets me create my own stations. I love that it lets me be myself, while introducing me to new things. I love that it remembers what I like and what I don't like. I love that it stays up late with me when I'm studying. I love if for all these things. Especially that last one. In fact, that last one is the reason for this post. Last night (this morning) around 1:17am, in the middle of my BIO188 notes and my 3rd can of diet coke, when I was stressed and tired and really, really not wanting to review the golgi apparatus' involvement in cellular membrane flow for the 5th time, Pandora played this Missy Higgin's song:

Just lay it all down, put your face into my neck
And let it all fall out, I know, I know, I know
I knew before you got home

This world you're in now, it doesn't have to be alone
I'll get there somehow 'cos I know, I know I know
When even springtime feels cold

But I will learn to breath this ugliness you see
So we can both be there
And we can both share the dark

And in our honesty
Together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view
It's all magnified, the highs will make you fly
But the lows will make you want to die

And I was once there, hanging from
That very ledge where you are standing
So I know, I know, I know, it's easier to let go

But I will learn to breath this ugliness you see
So we can both be there
And we can both share the dark

And in our honesty
Together we will rise out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight

The English major in me immediately fell in love with the lyrics. The pre-med student in me needed to hear those words. Last week at a chemistry review the guy leading the review gently reminded all of us medical-school hopefuls that for the next x amount of years the world will be against us. And even though we all laughed, we knew it was true. The truth is our professors will try to trick us on exams, our friends will try to beat our GPA's, our applications will be scrupulously reviewed by the schools we apply to, and after all of that, two thirds of us will not get letters of acceptance reaffirming all our years of hard work. And most of the time all that stress and knowledge is manageable. But last night in my "nightmind," after days and hours of studying and a test looming nearer, I was feeling a little overwhelmed. So even though this "academic fight" isn't physically dangerous, it can still be tough. And this song helped.


So Pandora, my love, thank you.


Oh, and my BIO test was today. Pretty sure I rocked it. :-)

Out till Fall

As of today at 3:07, I have completed the "studying" part in studying abroad. That's right! I am now a junior in college (weird!) and have finished my semester at the University of Ulster. It was definitely an experience and I am so glad I had the chance to see what college was like "across the pond." While I appreciated the relaxed, small school environment here I am very excited to go back to school at ASU this August and know I will appreciate it so much more.

Now that school is out, I am also excited for the rest of my time abroad! Next week I'll be in Paris and just a week after that my mom comes to visit me! Some people say "Home is where your mom is," and I am so excited to see her and travel around the U.K. together before the end of my Irish adventure.

And now for a long overdue addition to my list of funny sayings and weird words of the Irish:

• craic: night life, As in, "Hey, how was the craic at the Anchor last night?"
  
• buggy: a stroller
• nappy: a diaper
• hob: stove
• game: match
  
• Nill - nill: This is the appropriate response when the pizza delivery man asks you what's the score for football match. If you respond "zero - zero," you WILL get made fun of. By a pizza delivery man.
  

* Check back tomorrow for my second post on my Spring Break adventures! I have uploaded all my picturea and am hoping to finish writing about it tomorrow. :-)

Putting the "Study" in Studying Abroad

A central part of the orientations exchange students are required to attend before embarking on our adventures is quite simple: remember to study while you're studying abroad. Sounds obvious enough right? But the goal of most exchange students is to travel and see as much as possible, so in retrospect I am thankful for the reminder. Especially since my workload over here for only 3 classes will probably be equivalent to the workload of the 5 classes I'm used to taking each semester at ASU. I have noticed that over here that the majority of "lecturers" (if you refer to them as professors you get strange looks and people laugh at you) are HUGE fans of the all-students-need-to-read-a-LOT-before-each-lecture concept. At ASU professors know full well that when they assign outside readings, only about 7% of their students will actually make the effort to set up camp in the library and read. While I haven't received the official numbers yet on my "Do-you-read-everything-or-slack-off" poll, so far it looks like just about everyone over here reads at least half of the outside readings. And talking to the other American exchange kids the general consensus seems to be that over here students are responsible for a large percentage of learning. Kind of a "self-study" method, which is a little different than the way things are done back home at ASU.

We are in our second week of school here and I almost have my routine down. It was a little stressful getting registered for class and making sure the "time tables" don't over lap. So after some stressed out nights and a very slow registration process, my classes are Medical Cell Biology, Winning the Peace: European Literature and Film, and Mother Ireland: Representations of Women in Irish Literature. Each class consists of a lecture and a seminar. Seminars are made up of extra time for the lecturer to have workshops, hold discussions and student presentations. Here is what my class schedule looks like:

I am super excited though to only have class Tuesday-Thursday! Four day weekends will make it easier to explore and not miss class. ;-)

Another difference is the size of the campus here. At ASU's main campus in Tempe, it takes about 15 to 20 minutes to walk across campus, even further if you are lucky enough to have lake view parking in Lot 59. So while I was expecting that campus to be smaller, I was shocked when I learned that there were only two main building where classes are held. Here are some pics of the campus!

This is part of the central building where I have most of my classes...


Here is another view of the central building. The covered walk way is definitely nice when it is snowing and raining like it has been this week.


I'll try and take more pictures of campus while I'm here. I don't have too many so far because I'm really trying NOT to be the dorky girl with a camera walking around campus and taking pictures of everything...I'm fairly sure the students on exchange here from Hong Kong have that department covered. ;-)

BONUS: While I've been here I've been keeping a list of funny sayings and all of the just plain weird stuff they say over here via the stickies application on my macbook. Here is what I have so far...

• The Fire Department is known as the Fire Brigade
• A closet is referred to as a cupboard, as in "electrical cupboard"
• A "stone" is roughly the equivalent of fourteen pounds
• The word "Yous," as in "I hope yous had a good time."
• Referring to University as "Uni" (I spent a good 3 days on this one trying to figure out what my house mates were talking about)
• French fries are called "chips"
• Potato chips are called "crisps"
• The elevator is referred to as the "lift"
• Instead of saying thanks, most people just say "cheers"

Spellings over here are different too, which will make it super fun when I'm writing papers for class. For example...

• organization vs. organisation
• theater vs. theatre
• eukaryote vs. eucaryote

That's all I have so far but I'll keep them coming as I hear them!! :-)