Heart Work

I started this bog as a way to document my Irish adventure all the way back in 2008! It is crazy how much life has changed since then. I have loved all the stories I've shared here. But now that medical school is in full swing and I have a whole new life out in PA, it seemed time to start a new blog as well. So, for the 7 people that follow this blog (Hi mom!), I'll be continuing to write here:

http://heartworkblog.blogspot.com/

As always, thanks for reading. :)

Morgan

Punching in a Dream

It was very familiar with the conversation. The bits of dialogue I overheard, as I was opening my pharmacology book, were scattered with words and phrases I had said myself. Multiple times.

The coffee shop was packed and I had found a table in the very back, sandwiched between a random pillar and the wall, but directly in earshot of a pre-medical student mid-conversation with her mentoring physician.

"Decision letters come out after January."

"...not really sure I could see myself living there."

"I think the interview went well."

"If only my MCAT was one point higher." 

"I just need to get in. Somewhere."

It was surreal. There I was sitting next to a past version of myself. Of all the cafes in Pittsburgh, and of all the tables in that one particular cafe, there she was. The pre-med me. Excitedly and carefully trying to catch the advice of every shape and size this doctor was throwing  at her, like I had done so many times before.

In case you're wondering what those conversations are like, let me fill you in. First of all, as a pre-med student, any interaction you get with a doctor is basically a gift from above. Seriously. Whether it's in an operating room, their private practice, or sharing a beer in Honduras; ANY and ALL forms of contact are cherished. Because they're who "we" (the ever-hopeful, slightly neurotic wanna-be-docs) want to be. So, as you can imagine, those conversations have an agenda. And it goes like this:

1. Prove to them you're not an idiot.
2. Continue to reinforce number one throughout the present interaction and into the infinite future.
3. Ask them all those questions you came up with the night before when you were looking up their medical practice/career history/specialty/sub-specialty/alma mater/dog's name.
4. Impress them so much they invite you to shadow them (THIS is key. It's like the pre-jack pot.)
5. Continue to build bridges and establish a relationship with them so they will one day be able to write you a kick ass letter of recommendation for medical school. (Letters of recommendation ARE the jack pot. They pretty much make the med school application process go round. Well, letters and money.)

Right around the time the doctor (a dermatologist) began telling this girl to take art history classes because it helped her tremendously in identifying patterns in skin rashes (side note: some doctors are full of crap. Also, skin is gross), I put in my earphones so I could study. 

Later I joked that I should have walked over to that girl her and told her exactly what med school was really like and that she could just ignore everything Skin-Doc-Barbie was saying. And driving back home, I thought about what I would have said to her. Which got me thinking about what I would have said to me. The pre-med me. The me who was so focused, and driven and absolutely dead set on medical school that I couldn't even see a future beyond getting accepted. And I think it would have gone something like this.

Listen, I'm only a semester and some change into this mess so I still have quite a way to go, but I love it. Truly I do. But it's hard. Mostly in the ways I had imagined (the lack of sleep, an intense course load, caffeine shakes). But also for some other reasons. Some I didn't think about, or if I did, I didn't think they'd matter to me. First off, it can be lonely. (And I'm really lucky. I've got a lot of fantastic people around, like, all the time). But there is something inherently lonesome about being this busy and this focused. I'm not sure what it is, but sometimes, even when you have no good reason to feel lonely, you do. Second, it's hard watching your friends' lives unfold before you on Instagram and Facebook. To see that they have families and babies and schedules that don't revolve around the next exam, can make you start to doubt yourself and the choices you've made. It's easy to fall into the "I haven't done anything with my life" trap because on the surface, my life looks about the same as it did 5 years ago. I am a student. Still. Granted, I am a student learning how to perform my dream job, and most days I think that is absolutely the bee's knees. But there are times when that doesn't make coming home to your cat after a 14 hour study day any easier. 

I could go on about a lot of other things. About the cost effectiveness of buying certain things in bulk (i.e. yellow highlighters, Monster Energy drinks, dry shampoo). About how important it is to schedule time to talk to friends and family from home. But I think if I could tell pre-med coffee shop girl, and the pre-med me, anything it would be this: that I hope she gets "in." I hope she gets to experience the absolute, and utter insanity that is learning how to become a doctor. I hope that she finds friends at school who are amazing and funny and kind. I hope that she learns to trust in her "plan," and not compare her life to anyone else's. I hope that the very first time a faculty clinician speaks to her as if she has absolutely no business being in medical school, she is able to redirect that criticism to her brain and let it skip her heart. Finally, and most importantly, I'd tell her this: about two weeks ago, when I was having a particularly low moment, I had the realization that the only way life could get any more stressful, any more full of crap, or any more intolerable was if I was not exactly where I was at that moment (which was at my desk studying biochemistry, next to my sleeping cat, at 2:30 am). Because that would mean that I wasn't in medical school. And even amidst the chaos and sleep deprivation, there is still no place I'd rather be, and nothing else I'd rather be doing. 

Things I Know

I'm a fan of lists. They keep me on track. They make me feel accomplished. I love crossing things off and, sometimes,  I make lists for things I have ALREADY done for the simple purpose of crossing off each item. Nerd. Geek. OCD freak. Whatever. Label me what you will. It doesn't bother me and I've heard it before. But there is one time I especially love lists. When I'm feeling nostalgic. And Christmas and nostalgia go together like methylene blue and Heisenberg (Yeah, I so just went there).

So, without further ado, here are 16 things I've learned in 16 weeks of medical school.
1. Sleep is overrated
2. Sleep is the best thing ever.
3. I don't know anything.
4. I've learned a lot.
5. Pathology is hard.
6. Everyone is awkward in mock patient exams. (Though things are markedly less awkward when you refer to your female patient as a woman. Not a man.)
7. There is a wrong way to ask a patient about their sexual history. (It involves the phrase "sexually active" and "Oh" followed by an "um" and a long pause.)
8. It's important to remember you can't learn ALL the things. Triage what is important. Don't worry about the rest. (Case in point, it is SHOCKING how little I know about the human foot. And I sleep great, thanks.)
9. Friday nights are for Fun.
10. I don't know what is going on in the world. Really, no clue. (But seriously, I didn't know the government "shut down" until it was already "running" again.)
11. I can study 80 hours a week and survive. Ish.
12. Food is awesome.
13. Showers are awesome.
14. Some of the friends I've made here will be my friends for life. (We've been in the academic trenches together. Cue the Band of Brother's Sountrack.)
15. Anatomists are evil. (Decide on ONE freaking name guys and let's just all agree to go with that one.)
16. I would go insane without all the support from friends and family back home.
Super-special-awesome-amazing-climactic bonus thing: 7-0 equals D.O.

Goodbyes Are a Bitch (or My Self Diagnosis for Why I Can't Sleep)

I have been watching lots of TV lately (I am also demolishing my summer reading list and developing a very nice base tan.) Thanks to Netflix and Hulu I am currently very well-versed in Frasier, Scrubs, The Mindy Project, and The Office - just to name a few. Today I finished Season 7 of the office. I also felt like a total wimp when I watched the episode "Goodbye, Michael" and fought back tears the entire time. (Same thing with the series finale of Frasier and various moments in Scrubs.) I guess goodbyes are hitting me harder than usual right now. (Besides crying at comedic television, I have also adopted some abnormal sleeping patterns. Abnormal in the sense that I'm not really sleeping.) And I'm 99% sure it has to do with the fact that my own  goodbyes seem to be looming towards me with ever-increasing speed. In 15 days, I am going to move across the country. I've never had to say goodbye to so much all at the same time. I'll be saying goodbye to the only place that has ever been home, along with my family and friends (not to mention the sun). And while I am excited to start this new chapter of life, and definitely beyond excited to finally be going to medical school, I am so sad to be leaving.

There is this incredibly sweet moment in that last episode of the office when Michael asks Jim why he is so sad and if he is doing the wrong thing by moving to Colorado. Jim replies "Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes goodbyes are a bitch." And that's pretty much where I am at right now. I am excited to go live somewhere new. I know the chance to go to medical school as something I have been working towards for a long time. I know that moving to Pennsylvania is absolutely the right thing for me to do right now. But I am still sad. And saying good bye to so much all at once is going to be a bitch.

Oh, hey!

Hey everyone! Long time no see...

Ok, so the past few months have been pretty crazy. In the ideal world I would write a post about each of my 101 goals individually and as I complete them. However, as evidenced by the repeated extreme heat advisories this lovely Arizona summer contonutes to bring, this world is far from ideal. SO I am going to kill two five birds with one post...just go with the metaphor people. Since my last post I have complete the following goals: 

#1 - take the MCAT
#3 - apply to medical school
#7 - move out on my own
#30 - read Crazy Love
#43 - Go to Sushi Broker with Dad and Jon when he’s home for the summer.

I just got my MCAT scores back on Tuesday and I am so incredibly happy/relieved/excited to report that I scored within the accepted range for med school admission so I APPLIED TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. No big deal. ;-) 

No, but really. The entire test-prep and test-taking and test-waiting (notice a pattern here?...) was very stressful/scary/frustrating and I am so thankful to all my family and friends who stuck by me and continued to encourage and support me. You all are the best! And I honestly could not have successfully re-taken that stupid, dumb, good-for-nothing test without you all. So thanks. :-) 

While I was waiting for my MCAT results and working on apps, I made the move across our beloved valley of the sun. That's right folks, I am now officially a West Sider (cue slick backed Alley Cats and finger snaps). While the move was tough on me, make sure to keep Shannon and Greg in your thoughts and prayers. Now that I have vacated their residence, there will be no one there to forget to turn off the AC and eat their scrumptious leftovers. Also, their guest bathroom will be abnormally clean and hair-free. Like I said, be praying for them. To keep their minds off of my absence, they've been painting pottery and rearranging furniture. Needless to say, it has been ROUGH. ;-) But, in all seriousness, I loved living with them and while I'm super happy and excited to officially start acting like a grown-up (read as start paying for things like rent, electricity and cable) it will be weird living 50 miles away.

Goal #43 was of course a good time. My dad, Jon and I have a long history with Sushi Broker and it was fun being able to hang out there together and eat some really awesome food. Jon isn't home nearly enough anymore, so when he is, we try and make it count! 

Reading Crazy Love is something that has been on my list of things to do for a while. Now that I've read it, I am so grateful for What Francis Chan says with it. He truly challenges his readers and it is definitely something that will be worth re-reading. 

So, that is what I have been up to for the past month and a half! I promise not to take another blogging hiatus. Now that some major stressors have been alleviated, but more importantly, I finally remembered which email and password I need to to log into my blogger account, I will be back to my regular bloggity self. 

#100 - check!!!

Exactly 8 days ago, in the very early hours of the morning, my dear friend Rebekah gave birth to a beautiful daughter, little Miss Kate Monroe. Rebekah and I have been friends for a very long time and throughout the years I have had the privilege of watching her pass through life's various stages -- from getting engaged, to getting married, and now, motherhood! So, without further ado, I give you precious and perfect Kate.

Bekah, we've come along way from our junior high band days and summers spent at BLC! I am so excited for you as you start this new and exciting adventure into parenthood. Love you and Kate both so much!

Sub Notes

This past semester I was lucky enough to land a pretty sweet gig substitute teaching at a public charter school. If I was not pursuing medicine, I'm pretty sure I would be an elementary school teacher. Needless to say, this semester was a fun peak into what life would be like if I had chosen to teach. While I am still excited to continue with school and further pursue my medical career, I will miss spending my days with a room full of crazy kids who are trying to be on their best behavior while I desperately try to fill their absent teacher's shoes. While my time there was short, here are some lessons learned...

1. When asking how a teacher does a particular activity, be sure to pin point ONE student (it's best to whisper) instead of asking the entire class "Who can tell me how Mrs. X does...blah blah blah?" This open ended query is sure to be met with arms flailing, a plethora of "I KNOW! I KNOWs" and a minimum of 6 little people getting up from their seats and rushing to your aide.

2. If you choose to ignore a student in the throws of a major melt down, remember to keep an eye on her. Especially if said student has long hair. And is prone to crawl under her desk. These actions will help you prevent the following from occurring:

 Student NOT having a melt down: "Miss Day..."

Me: "What's up?"

Student: "I know you told us to ignore Liberty, and I really did try to. But, well...she's stuck."

Me: "...What?"

Cue the entire class (Miss Day included) staring at Liberty, who, in the midst of a Category 5 melt down, managed to wrap her pony tail around the upper leg of her desk, tying herself underneath her desk so tightly, she could no longer move her head. 

3. Make sure to turn in the attendance early enough so as to not upset the attendance gods (aka the front desk ladies) BUT late enough to catch any tardy kids you mistakenly marked absent. (If attendance is turned in too early, you will have to call the attendance gods, and they will have to change the attendance records. This will also result in them being upset.)

4. Never suggest anyone under the age of 7 go anywhere without a buddy. This will result in tears and lots of unnecessary stress for both of you.  

5. Never suggest anyone over the age of 8 go anywhere with a buddy. This will result in weird looks and put any trust you have managed to cultivate in 3.25 hours in serious jeopardy. (Note: ages 7-8 are a gray area and not explicitly covered in the Buddy System Manual. Proceed with caution.)

6. As a 5'2" person, anyone misbehaving student taller than 5'2" (read as 6th grade and above) will require you to employ intimidation tactics other than simply being taller. (See #9.)

7. Be sure to speak clearly. Always. If not, the following (albeit hysterical) conversations are prone to occur:

Me: "Do you usually go by yourself?" Spoken to the "attendance helper."

Student: "Well, normally I just got by Curtis...Sometimes Curt." 

8. Kindergarten teachers have the most patience of any human beings on planet earth. (Following closely is moms with multiple children under all under the age of 3. You know who you are. Stay strong sisters.)

9. The "teacher look" (something that looks hauntingly similar to the more common "older sister glare") is often a much better tool for behavior modification and correction than words, which, if said look is executed correctly, are unnecessary.

10. At some point, working at a school, you will shout the following word in a loud, nasally voice: "WALK."

So, to all of the real teachers out there, I officially and forever salute you. Thanks for loving and teaching our kids and for putting up with the administrative and political crap that comes with the territory. Your salaries will never come close to being what you deserve, your parents will never know the countless hours you put into their child's education, and your kiddos may never realize everything you did for them. But in spite of it all, every year you come back for more. So thanks. :-)

*Names have been changed (to equally weird names) to protect the innocent and underaged.